The First Official Certificate

The first certificate

At this point I am more than ecstatic about having acquired my certificate of completion in Software Engineering from CodeSpace Academy

An official Junior Software Developer

You would think it's just as exciting job hunting for a profession in the qualification you've been pursuing for the longest time... Let me cut to the chase and surprise you: it's not.

I had a misinformed interpretation of what the job hunting experience would be like if I had more passion about what I was doing. Logically, I would enjoy seeking employment as much as I enjoy the work and my career choices. (Scoff!) No, I didn't. It only made it more so frustrating and nerve wracking. It made it excruciating. And the silence was a far more painful stab than rejection, because it was rejection disguised as.... hope.

Hope

Hope soon to be shattered by realization rather than clarity. The pain of uncertainty and angst only added to the discomfort of waiting, and patience wore much thinner than paper.

Like a flightless bird falling in the air, I watched as my inevitable fate drew closer. As my winds refused to do their only duty, the one job they were made for, and like the uncomfortable sight of an ostrich egg in a snake's belly, the lump of fear in my throat coudln't be swallowed. Eyes bulging like a baloon being squeezed into distortion, I realized that my own fear was adding to my failure. Unknowingly, I had become a self-fulfilling prophesy, with an imposter syndrome so predominant and loud, I began to treat each job application like a rejection letter from the immense frustration of silence, clarity felt like a much better alternative to uncertainty.

And with each application, I assumed and consumed rejection over silence, yet upon receiving what I had unknowingly manifested, I kept beating myself up for lacking - for not being enough for the recruiter to take notice. For my resume ending up in the refuse pile before having my name read off the paper. And the more I blamed myself, the emptier I felt.

Absence for breakfast

As the days progressed I decided to take my life into my own hands and upskill myself, dedicating most of my time to reading. Documentation, blogs, self-help guides - just about anything with readable English I'd read. To keep myself busy, I assumed at first. To continue learning, I consoled myself over time. But upon realizing, to escape my reality. And had it not been for the ups and downs of my own mind and ignorance creeping in even when my logic threatened to trickle down my face when I least expected it, I would've shoved the plate out the window a long time ago rather than setting for the mediocre pity parties that only added to my disdain.

...to be continued...